Current song:
Alanis Morissette – Ironic
When something doesn’t go according to plan or how we thought, why are we always so quick to point the finger and blame something or someone else? It’s like a default mode hard wired inside of us ever since birth to not blame ourselves – “it was all Johnny, I swear” when we were seconds away from getting scolded over a broken vase that tumbled off the dining table. We in turn become our own worst enemy, even just temporarily, and not others. It’s so contradictory that we often want the best for ourselves but actually are the ones looking at it in the wrong light. Why is that? Why do we fall into this trap? How do we get out? The answer may not come immediately today, tomorrow, or for some time, but you get started right here, right now just thinking about it in your daily lives.
Let’s flashback to December 11, 2016, I was on a frigid boat with my girlfriend at the time in the North Atlantic just off the coast of Iceland gazing up at the sky in huddled, shivering groups of tourists hoping to get even the slightest glimpse of the sky glow neon green from the Northern Lights. Earlier in the day, we had embarked on an amazing hike and tour through the famous Golden Circle in absolute awe of the sheer natural beauty of the geysers, snow capped mountains, and jagged ice formations. Needless to say, it was already an incredible day and the suspense of seeing the sky light up neon green was going to be the icing on the cake. Unfortunately, it was a overcast, cloudy evening and we began to hang our heads down low as the boat returned to shore. Then for about literally 8-10 seconds, we were able to see at a few shimmers of green flashes poke through the clouds and deemed it still somewhat of a success. This venture was a valiant effort and at least managed to have a few sightings of the beloved Northern Lights over the course of the trip. Back ashore, we decided to head back to the hotel and turn in as we had a long next day – had tickets to go take a dip in the Blue Lagoon before hopping on the 9hr flight back to reality in the USA. This is where things start to get hazy and have blanks in time.
I distinctly remember being abruptly awoken from my sleep in the early morning (I think it was sometime around 3 or 4am) with an excruciating headache – it’s unexplainable but the best analogy is that it felt like someone had hit me in the head with a bat. I woke my girlfriend up and told her I had a ridiculously painful headache and told me to try to relax and drink water, as she started to look a few things up on her phone of what might be wrong as it was atypical of me to get a headache. I got up from sitting at the edge of the bed, walked over to get some medicine (I think I had Tynenol) from my bag, and sat back down. I then realized that I couldn’t move my leg, then a few seconds later my arm, and eventually nothing at all. Before I know it, there are people in the room lifting me out of bed and onto what I could only assume was a stretcher. I laid there in a immobile body seeing objects, lights, and shadows flash by me with absolutely no idea what was happening. Feelings of fear, anxiety, nervousness, confusion quickly overwhelmed my mind and body. Next thing I know, I arrive at the hospital as I was asked a series of questions and see flashes of white and green running all around me which were probably doctors and nurses as I laid there feeling helpless. There I was, unable to move, scatterbrained, indescribable emotions. But, I did remember that my mother who has been a nurse for over 35yrs always told me ever since I was in diapers, to “tell me what hurts” – and that’s exactly what I did. My head was pounding so hard it felt like someone had implanted a jackhammer into my skull. Whatever shadow was there in proximity I blurted out anything and everything in hopes they could use the information to treat me. “I see lights, I see a doorway, I see people running around” – it wasn’t much, but was hoping it was better than nothing.
Then, the last thing I remember was a flashback of my entire life – all the people I love, family, and friends. Then all the experiences – childhood teeball, basketball, AYSO soccer to recent travels all around the world. Then amongst all the chaos, confusion, and scariness, this feeling of peace, satisfaction, and acceptance suddenly overcame me. I didn’t have regrets as I’ve always tried to live with the motto of living life to the fullest. Hell, I even had a chance to watch the Cubs win a World Series for the first time in over a century. I had somehow managed to live an amazing life in the 31 years here on earth; if this was really it and my time had come, I was blessed and honored to have met all those in my life and have a chance to do what some don’t in a lifetime. So I had found my inner peace and tranquility in case my show curtain had dropped.
I wanted to point the finger. Pawn the blame off. Why did this happen to me? It’s was all <insert word of choice> fault. Let me say that is a horrible feeling. In reality, there is no one and nothing to blame for this event except for its inherent of the way of life itself. If we knew that we would end up spending two hours on a boat freezing our asses off to see a few seconds for a faint shimmer of light would we have done it? Was it our fault that it was cloudy? Not at all. Shit happens. While it didn’t turn out as expected, you make the best of it, find the positive (even if it’s minuscule as it felt microscopic some days), and take away learnings from the experience. This is still and will be a struggle to always find the positive, but I promise you it’s there, just keep at it and you’ll find it.
As Thanksgiving draws to a close, I can’t help but reflect what I am truly thankful for. First and foremost are my family and friends – wouldn’t be the person I am today without their love, guidance, and support. I then can’t help but be thankful for life itself – my odds of survival and overcoming this incident were definitely not stacked in my favor, but I’ve somehow been able to beat the odds and surprise others including myself time and time again. So hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving, a productive Black Friday, and even more blessed holiday season. I THANK YOU and know that just by reading my blog and sharing my story its all worth it.
About-face 